"It won't kill you."
Grrr. This one gets me.
It's usually tacked on at the end of some string of statements burbling forth from a round face with splotchy cheeks and fat lips. Something like "Oh come on! You can at least try a piece of cake. It won't kill you."
Listen, I don't give a crap if you baked it. I don't care if you think it's so awesome that I just HAVE to share it with you, if I don't want it then shut...the...hell...up. Seriously.
If I want to splurge, I will. If it's a cheat meal then don't get your hands close to my ice cream. But if I don't want to eat your crap right now, telling me that it won't kill me is just annoying and slightly offensive.
I've tried explaining my thoughts in the moment to these pushers of metabolic destruction, but it seldom works. So these days I just have fun with it. If you're in the same situation, try a few of these:
"Holy crap? Really? You mean I've been passing up all the cake and cookies because I thought it would kill me and it won't? Wow, I've got some catching up to do!"
"Are you sure? Remember that dude in Scarface who snorted a bunch of powdered sugar up his nose? It killed him."
"Yeah, that's the whole problem. I'm such an adrenaline junkie that I just don't feel any enjoyment from something unless there's some chance it will kill me. Want to go skydiving?"
Or perhaps you could just tell them that you will, but you have a rule that any time you eat crap like that you have to go run ten 100 meter sprints and you want them to join you. When they protest, remind them it won't kill them.
The problem is, depending on the person asking, it just might!
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